it starts in the autumn. new beginnings, colors dancing in the air, the strings of our fates intertwining. I think of red, of meetings, of awkward silences but also nights filled with the roar of your guitar. hearts connected by music, amazement and curiosity brewing within me; feelings that will follow me for years to come. you always know how to make an impression. I remember one particular year - I was caught up in my own thoughts while eating a sandwich when you approached me out of the blue. you don't know it, but the simple words you gave to me that day left such a great impression that it would change the course of my life. "so don't be." I still hold onto that.

winter is always the season in which I find you. bright afternoon skies passing by as we speed down a 40, crisp air filling our lungs, the hum of our favorite song becoming the back track to our laughter. a different kind of curiosity blooming in my heart, like a snowdrop rising from the ashes of the winter; and a cold, snowy night filled with more music and even more honest feelings. I don't think I was ready for what would come at that time, but I still took your hand. because there's nobody in the world that I trust as much as you.

spring is when I always break your heart, whether I'm with somebody else or if I'm with you. with regard to the latter -- anxiety and doubt plaguing me, my own intentions being questioned by myself, I let you down and let you go in the middle of that cursed fucking donut shop. I remember the look on your face and the awful silence on the drive back home. I wish I didn't. and I wish I hadn't broken you the way I did. you know that I try not to live with regrets, but I regret that. I regret hurting the person that I love, more than anything else I have ever done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. nobody deserves that, you the least of all.

summer is equally hard to think about, because I still think of late sunsets and dark nights, of you breaking and falling apart.
another apology at the tip of my tongue, another regret to etch into my growing list.

but autumn has come and gone again, the winds bringing you back into my life; and with this winter, I find myself falling back into the same rhythm. flowers bursting forth from my chest, nerves on fire, heart skipping, hands shaking; yet another different kind of curiosity is enveloping me, more real and more commanding than ever before. but this time, I want to tread with more caution and care. because now I absolutely know that this is important, and that for all of your fire, you are still such a fragile thing; a snowdrop, blooming at the edge of winter.

the dance of the four seasons, come full circle.