on the cusp of a new year, I find myself spending an evening in quiet contemplation reflecting upon the past 12 months.

a year spent in what feels like mostly a haze, a strange fever dream in which I was consumed with feelings that burned hotter than the sun but faded to nothing almost as quickly as it came, the shellshock like emotional whiplash, having me questioning whether any of it was ever real at all.

a year spent of yearning, yearning, yearning, following me to the other side of the world, pulling on my heartstrings, pushing me to make wildly spontaneous love-affirming decisions on a random night in florence. I regret it as much as I don't. how could you ever regret going to great lengths to see someone that you love? but I regret it, I regret it, I regret it and I fear that this fear will carry on with me in every relationship that I have moving forward; the fear of hurting someone that you care for because you can't meet them halfway in a multitude of ways, from age difference to our places in life to general interest in each other. he was such a kind soul but innocent in a way that I haven't been since too long ago, and awfully naive to the intricacies and complexities of life and time and distance and soul, even. in kinder words, sweet; in harsher ones, boring. I blame myself, my Achilles heel that is my ability to tunnel vision, and my awful lack of foresight into clearly seeing the things that would never work between us.

I'm always brash and impulsive when it comes to feelings of affection and expressing them, and I've been trying to figure out why that is and where it all started. maybe it started with B, with the way my feelings lingered for so long without me ever expressing them. just me, waiting endlessly for him to see me, really see me, and see that I wanted to stand with him by his side forever. and then the way that he could never really truly see me, the way that after almost a year of being together he couldn't find it in his heart to love me. and the way that stung like nothing else I'd ever felt before. my first real love being an unrequited love, and the painful disappointment that followed that.

maybe it started with M, the way that I was pushed to confess to him that I felt some type of way about him, only a few weeks after breaking it off with B. I did have a crush on him but maybe it was too soon; I had no time to truly grieve what I had with B. but what we did have turned into real, genuine, warm love, and a lot of things that I love today are a result of us being together. my time with him is a precious memory. and when it ended because of my cursed wandering eye, I once again had no time to process the death of Us.

I realize that I operate in cycles. I've said it time and time again - a spark, burst into flame. but that flame always fizzes out with time, and I find myself moving on, maybe too quickly, to that next spark. and it's happening to me again, and I'm fearful of it for all the reasons above, but I want to allow myself the space to talk about it because I need to properly process what it is that I've been feeling these days.

I like him. I like the way that it truly feels like we are on the same frequency. similar interests. similar taste. similar sense of humor. similarly stupid. similarly well spoken. I realize that our interests and experiences are generational in some ways, but it still feels like there's something there that binds us together. it's not aggressive, it's not painful, it's just simply existing there in the space between us peacefully. I like the way he teases and flirts with me. I like the way he is forthcoming but soft all the same. he makes my heart warm. he feels like my soulmate. the thought of which brings tears to my eyes, because how many times have I felt that before? how many times has that brought upon pain to both myself and the person next to me?

I adore him all the same, and I'm happy to just have him in my life in some capacity. which in hindsight is crazy because I hated him when I first interacted with him. but that's as much a dream now as all the rest of these dreams, and all I can feel right now is that I want to talk to him about everything and nothing at all. I want to be with him in any way that matters, and if I have learned anything over the years, it is that love between friends is as impactful as love between lovers. so I will take it easy this time with this crush; this one does not have to be the end of the world. maybe I can just let it be and see where it goes. I know my heart will yearn because that is what she is wont to do, but maybe I can just let her without having to act on an impulse. just appreciate what you have, katherine. deep breaths, in and out. if it truly matters, it will stay with you.